If I Dive Too Deep
by spacemonkey766
Summary: The Dominators had fled, the world was safe, and Team Flash had another win under their belt. Then why did it feel like they were still struggling, like Barry still needed saving. In the aftermath of the Invasion, Iris and Cisco each have their own emotional battle to wage in pulling Barry out from the deep end. (Set after 3x08 and the crossover)
1. If I Get Too Weak

**If I Dive Too Deep**

 **summary:** The Dominators had fled, the world was safe, and Team Flash had another win under their belt. Then why did it feel like they were still struggling, like Barry still needed saving. In the aftermath of the Invasion, Iris and Cisco each have their own emotional battle to wage in pulling Barry out from the deep end.

 **genre:** Angst, Hurt-Comfort, Friendship, Romance

 **rated:** T

 **author note:** The relationships and dynamics between the characters are what I think makes this show so good. They're complex and rich and so well developed by the writers and actors. I wanted to explore that for few brief moments of the in-between.

* * *

 **If I get to weak you'll hold me close**

* * *

Iris nursed the cup of tea between her hands, the heat radiating from the cup and warming her hands as she gripped the mug tight. The house was silent, Joe and Wally upstairs sleeping as she was nestled comfortably in the leather armchair that sat beside the fireplace,whose embers were beginning to die out. Dressed in black leggings and one of Barry's flannel shirts, she sipped on the Passionflower tea with one leg folded beneath her, the mug resting upon the knee of her other leg drawn to her chest.

Iris was more of a coffee drinker than a tea, as was her father and Barry, but they had kept passionflower tea well stocked in their house since she was fourteen. Barry had suffered from disturbed sleep ever since he came to live with them when they were eleven. Early on his doctors had diagnosed him as suffering from anxiety and insomnia as a result of the tragedy he experienced with his mother's death and father's prison sentence; they had immediately put him on pills to help.

Barry had hated it; yes, they helped him sleep and eased his anxiety, but every time he took a pill he felt shame. There was nothing shameful about seeking assistance in overcoming that which ails a person, but for Barry, it had never felt like a choice. The doctors and counselors were something he had been forced into. When Barry turned fourteen, Joe gave in and promised him they'd seek other options. They had found a holistic doctor who recommended a few natural alternatives, one being the Passionflower tea. It remarkably had helped ease Barry's anxiety, for the thoughts that swirled his head obsessively at night, and the Wests had kept it ample supply ever since.

As Iris took a sip now, she wasn't sure if it was to calm her own anxiety or because of its connection to Barry's anxieties. She couldn't sleep, or wouldn't until Barry got home. Team Flash, minus Barry and Cisco, had all been at STAR Labs when they received the call from Barry that everything was alright, the world and team were all safe, the Dominators had left. He urged them to rest while he and Cisco wrapped things up and assured he'd see them in the morning. Her father and Wally went home shortly after while she had stayed behind at STAR. She wasn't ready to go back to her apartment and decided to help Caitlin restock the Medbay, the chatter easy and light between them, joking about how that now Iris knew Barry and Oliver were friends and allies, she'd reconsider her 'three' list since she and Barry were dating now. Their nerves were both still high but the girl talk between them was comfortable and calming as they waited for Barry and Cisco to return from their reception with the new President. Iris was slightly disappointed when only Cisco returned.

He had told them that when he had left the hanger, Barry and Oliver were still there. Iris took that in stride, much like she had everything else the last couple of days, including but not limited too the arrival of aliens, Wally's reckless bravery, and the awe of the super team Barry had assembled. It was when Cisco recounted the events of the day, of his time travel and revelation and Barry's intention to save the world by sacrificing himself, that Iris lost her breath and finally found herself overwhelmed.

He told her that the aliens had sent a reconnaissance team and after probing a few of their non-meta teammates minds, they learned what the Metas of Earth were capable of, including Barry's ability to time travel. In doing so, the Dominators sent an army of ships, demanding Barry turn himself in or they would attack. Cisco had told her that Oliver had tried to talk him out of it but Barry wouldn't even consider it, not until the entire team they had formed stood up, insisting they would not let him surrender himself.

After he finished his story Iris had said goodnight to the two scientists, but not before Cisco had pulled her aside to apologize for his behavior towards Barry the last few weeks. Iris was quick to tell him he had nothing to apologize for, that she understood his pain and was happy they were all able to move forward now.

She went to her father's house that night instead of her apartment, needing the feeling of home that the house always provided. It was the house she grew up in, the house she and Barry grew up in. Every nook of that house radiated warmth, like the tea that warmed her palms as she gripped the steaming mug tightly.

She sipped the tea once more as her thoughts consumed her. She thought that she should be mad, mad that Barry hadn't said goodbye before he intended to sacrifice himself. He hadn't called her. He hadn't even called her father, the man Barry turned to for guidance and support more than anyone else in his life. She allowed herself to get lost in the reverie for a moment, knowing that while Barry had told her she was his anchor, she knew her father was his safety net. It made her heart so happy at the relationship the three of them shared, even amongst the awkward transition of the new dynamic with them dating, their bond remained solid. That fact brought her crashing back to the thought that why hadn't Barry called to say goodbye. But is she was to be honest, Iris didn't know he would have said, could have said that would make it all okay. She couldn't blame him for that.

Iris knew she had a right to be mad. She had a right to be upset. But she wasn't. How do you be angry with someone who is willing to give up their life to save others. How do you be upset with someone whose only crime was they cared too much. She was too relieved that it didn't come to that, that Barry didn't sacrifice himself. She knew she wasn't mad because she knew Barry. She knew him better than anyone, knew what was in his heart.

He didn't plan on sacrificing himself because he _had_ to be the hero to satisfy his ego or because thats what he thought it meant to be a hero. He did it because he _was_ a hero. Everything Barry had ever been, ever done, even before he was granted super speed, put him in the direction of helping people.

She knew he didn't want to die, knew he didn't want to sacrifice himself, but if it meant someone else didn't have to, Barry would do it without a thought. He did it because he thought it was the only way. If it had been anyone else the Dominators singled out, Barry would have tried to take their place.

She lifted the mug to take another sip but stopped herself as a new thought swirled obsessively in her head. Because she knew how Barry carried his guilt, because she knew how he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, the thought that struck Iris and hurt her heart was that Barry honestly thought he deserved what the Dominators were asking of him. Not in a self punishing kind of way, but that his one wrong, his one moment of weakness and desperation to make his pain stop warranted his life. Barry had acted and like any action, it had consequences. And Barry consumed those consequences, placed it all on his own shoulders and was suffering from the weight of the burden. She knew that he truly thought the punishment of self sacrifice fit his crime.

Suddenly the mug felt cold in her hands, the soothing herbs promise to ease her anxiety felt empty. As she placed the cup on the end table, she heard the front door open slowly as Barry quietly entered the West home. She watched him search the house as he closed the door behind him, watched his body language relax slightly when he settled on her figure in the chair. He shrugged off his dark grey sport coat and toed off his sneakers. She watched his movements, noticed how they were slow, hesitant. She could feel as much see his heavy heart as he approached where she sat.

She unfolded her body as she stood from the armchair and met him in the middle of the living room. He stopped about a foot away from her, staring at her face much like he did that night when he confessed his feelings to her around Christmas. _'Had that really been more than two years ago'_ , she mused to her self.

She recognized Barry's special brand of guilt instantly as his hands fidgeted before sliding into the pockets of his dark skinny jeans. He shied away from touching her because even though she knew that's exactly what he wanted to do, he didn't feel like he deserved to.

"I went out with Oliver after the President…I went to your apartment and then STAR Labs looking for you. Cisco said he told you what happened…" Barry was speaking quickly but quietly as his words trailed off, none of his sentences ever finishing fully before another thought took over. "I should have called to let you know that I was going out after…I should have called before I was going to turn myself in…I didn't know what to say."

Iris watched Barry try to formulate the thoughts she knew were going through his mind, watched the swirls of emotions flicker across his face. She moved closer to him, their bodies just inches apart now, as she reached out her hands for his forearms, pulling his hands from his pockets and bringing them to rest on her hips. She slowly moved her arms up his, traveling up the sleeves of his burgundy button up before settling at the sides of his neck. Her palms pressed against the tops of the collar of her boyfriend's shirt, her fingertips making contact with the skin of Barry's exposed collarbone. Iris relished the feel of his warm skin, tracing the lines of his jaw with her thumbs, eyes never wavering from his. She could feel his body sink into her touch as the tension left his body at her presence.

"Iris."

She smiled sadly at the way he said her name, the apology itself left unspoken. She marveled at how the way her name left his lips always expressed everything he ever needed to tell her, always with an underlying sentiment of love.

Barry was one of the strongest people she knew, having survived so much in his relatively short life. But more than his strength she admired his willingness to be vulnerable, to let himself feel, especially in front of her. She knew that she and her father's constant presence in his life after Barry lost everything, that they allowed him to process his experiences in a safe and loving environment had a lot to do with that. But his heart, his light, his driving force to save, was all Barry. When he couldn't it tore him apart. She watched him struggle with it in the past weeks, in watching Caitlin come to terms with her powers, in Wally getting his, in Cisco pulling away, and the guilt of having been a causal factor in their struggle had been eating Barry up.

Iris wanted to nothing but to ease his guilt and despondency. She wanted to tell him she wasn't mad, wasn't upset. She wanted to reassure him that he really didn't have anything to apologize for. Iris wanted to find the words to tell him to forgive himself for the burden he was bearing, that his life was worth so much more than he gave himself credit for.

"I'm glad you're home," was all she said instead as her hands continued to hold his face gently between them. Barry said nothing as he clenched his eyes shut, biting the inside of his cheek, leaning into her touch. Iris watched as the tears squeezed out of the corners before traveling over the contours of his cheeks. She glided her thumb gently over the corner of Barry's lips, catching the tear with the pad of her thumb before Barry's shoulders hunched, folding around her as he pulled her close.

Iris knew Barry hadn't wanted to die. Barry hadn't wanted to make anyone suffer, hadn't wanted to leave her behind. And now the relief of not having to do any of that, that they had won and everyone was safe, Barry surrendered to his mental and emotional exhaustion.

As she wrapped her arms around him, a hand massaging the back of his head as he cried, she allowed herself to cry as well. Barry's cheek pressed against the side of Iris' forehead at her hairline, holding her tightly against him and deep into his arms. Iris could feel his fingers dig gently into her back as Barry clung to her and she relished in the feel of the warmth that radiated from Barry's body. Iris burrowed her face into the crook of his neck and shoulder, cheek pressed to Barry's throat as she felt the anxiety ease from her body as the man she loved held her.

It dawned on her then that she owed every person on that team a debt of gratitude. Not for saving the world, but for saving _her_ world, for keeping Barry from sacrificing his life, their life together. Iris knew she would have to find a way to thank them but as she planted a soft kiss against Barry's collarbone, holding him as close as their bodies would allow, she decided that could wait till tomorrow. Tonight belonged to her and Barry.


	2. If I Try To Speak

**If I Dive Too Deep**

 **summary:** The Dominators had fled, the world was safe, and Team Flash had another win under their belt. Then why did it feel like they were still struggling, like Barry still needed saving. In the aftermath of the Invasion, Iris and Cisco each have their own emotional battle to wage in pulling Barry out from the deep end.

 **genre:** Angst, Hurt-Comfort, Friendship, Romance

 **rated:** T

 **author note:** The relationships and dynamics between the characters are what I think makes this show so good. They're complex and rich and so well developed by the writers and actors. I wanted to explore that for few brief moments of the in-between.

* * *

 **If I try to speak you'll hear me out**

* * *

Cisco sat on the stool in his workroom tinkering with his goggles. When he had opened the intradimensional breach for him and Caitlin to get from STAR Labs to the waterfront to help Barry with his first encounter with Savitar, it had been painful. It was a new power that could come in handy and if he could just make some modifications, he could maybe reduce the pain level at the very least. As Cisco stifled a yawn, he thought after everything that happened the last couple of days, sleeping in today probably would have been acceptable. His hands that were normally steady as they worked shook ever so slightly, forcing Cisco to put down the screwdriver.

It had been a late night of celebration after the ceremony with the President. He had come to the STAR Labs after to drop off his gauntlets and Barry's suit, having taken it from the speedster after encouraging him to go out and have a drink with Oliver because they damn well deserved it. It had been a rough few days for all of them but Oliver and Barry, their rightful leaders, had shouldered the brunt of the responsibilities. When he had come back Iris and Caitlin had been waiting. He filled them in on the days events, realizing as he told them about Barry's almost-sacrifice that Barry had not yet told Iris himself. Before she left, he felt compelled to apologize to her that if his recent anger towards Barry had made things uncomfortable between them, assuring her that things would be different. Iris had hugged him, told him there had been no need for an apology, and then left. It was then that Cisco was reminded that Barry wasn't the only pillar of strength in that relationship. Before retiring for the night, Cisco sent Barry a text to let him know that he had accidentally filled Iris in and Barry responded simply with a 'thank you'.

Cisco wasn't sure if it was the residual nerves remaining from the invasion of the Dominators or the weight of the culpability of having played a hand in their hostile presence on their planet, but Cisco found himself waking after just a few hours of sleep before returning to STAR labs. As he tried to steady his hands once more to tweak the goggles, he found himself forced to replace the tool on the tabletop. He combed his fingers through his long hair, inhaled deeply, and then turned in his stool towards the entrance thinking some coffee was in order. He moved to get up but stopped as Barry rounded the corner of the entranceway.

He was dressed in a plaid button up and skinny jeans, something Cisco had almost come to think of as the 'Barry' uniform as much as the red suit was the Flash's. He could see Barry's hesitance as he slowly moved through doorway, hovering in the entrance instead of really entering the room. Cisco felt his chest tighten as a twinge of remorse struck him.

Since finding out about the changes in their lives as a result of Barry altering the timeline, Cisco had looked upon Barry with disappointment and contempt. He'd piled on to Barry's already heavy load of self imposed guilt and made it a point to remind Barry repeatedly that he condemned and absolved their friendship at almost any opportunity, even amidst an alien invasion. And Barry took it. No matter what Cisco said, Barry never had a retort or comment back, just silently took any remark he threw his way with sad eyes or a clenched jaw.

And then he found out that Barry was going to surrender to the Dominators, and all thoughts of contempt for Barry shattered. Like a facade, it crumbled and all that remained was the brotherhood he shared with Barry. As Barry walked towards him in his workroom now, Cisco was relieved to find that was still the case, that it hadn't been just their impending doom that had made him feel that again. Although much like the look on Barry's face now, the feeling was shrouded in sadness.

"You're here early," Barry said with a small smile of greeting, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Yeah, couldn't really sleep much so I thought I'd get a start on the day," Cisco responded, an equally shy smile on his face, before he continued. "I thought I'd try to fix my goggles. They're not broken, things could just be better, ya know?"

Cisco watched as Barry nodded and he couldn't help but think of the last time they were in these exact positions, Barry at the door of his lab and Cisco seated at the workbench, Barry telling him he was his best friend and asking if they would be okay. What Cisco wouldn't give to to go back and let that anger go, to tell Barry they would be. He bit down a chuckle at the thought of 'going back' to change something and instead asked, "What about you?"

"Iris and I fell asleep on Joe's couch last night but I kept waking up. Thought I'd make use of my time and train a bit."

"Barry, you've been on your feet for days man, you deserve a break," Cisco said before adding, "you deserve a lot more then that."

"Cisco, I-" Barry started, looking down at the floor as he nervously squeezed his hands.

"Barry Allen, if you say you're sorry I swear to god I'll tell Caitlin it was you who ate all her pizza pockets," Cisco cut him off, receiving the response he hoped for as Barry chuckled. "And for crying out loud, can you please come into my lab. You're making me all edgy standing in the doorway like that."

Barry ducked his head with another shy smile before he moved deeper into the room to lean against a nearby table housing the plans for a few dozen projects Cisco had in the works. Silence hung between them for a few minutes, neither sure how to start or what they should say.

"Barry," Cisco finally interrupted the silence, taking a long pause to look at the man in front of him. After three years and all they'd been through, Cisco knew Barry Allen well. He recognized when he was in the cycle of self-loathing. He'd seen it for six months after the singularity almost destroyed Central City. He saw it after they discovered that 'Jay' had been Zoom, then again after Zoom killed Henry Allen. But Barry always came out of it, despite their setbacks and situations, Barry Allen always emanated light and hope. Unfortunately as of recently, Cisco had seen more and more of that cloud of doubt and guilt and shame hovering over Barry than he did the light. It was something Cisco knew he had contributed to, enough that even after saving the whole world, Barry's skill for never giving himself a break still ran deep.

It was the expecting look from the tired green eyes that shook Cisco out of his musing, realizing that he hadn't said anything after asking for his friend's attention. So with a deep breath, Cisco started again.

"Barry, do you remember our conversation in the hall before you went back in time to that night the first time and I told you that I wanted you to save your family?" After receiving a nod, Cisco continued. "These past few months, at first I was mad at you for _not_ going back to change things with my brother. And then I was mad at you _for_ changing things in the first place. In my own grief, I lost sight of how much _you've_ lost, all those years ago and recently…"

"It's not an excuse for what I did," Barry interjected immediately, quick to dismiss Cisco's reasoning. Before Barry could continue, Cisco stood from the bench and went over to stand in front of him, his hands reaching out to grip Barry's arms.

"Barry, I would've done the same thing," Cisco held tight to Barry upper arms, feeling like it was grounding the speedster from shaking off his words, willing him to listen. Cisco noted that as he held his friends arm's his hands were strong and steady, not a hint of the shaking like when he held the screwdriver.

"Given the chance, I would have tried to save my family. Barry, how could you not try. Your whole life changed that night. Your mother was murdered, your father sent to prison; you had to start all over with a new family, a childhood of tragedy and grief and shrinks and people not believing what you knew to be true. And then in a moment of pain after nearly _dying_ trying to defeat the man who killed your father in front of you, you went to change it all. And when you tried to make things right, not everything fell back into the place the way they were. I understand that now," Cisco's hands dropped then from Barry's arms, crossing them over his own chest as he suddenly lost the confidence he just had. "And if I'm being honest, I think I always did. But being mad at you, it gave me an outlet for my grief."

"Cisco, you had every right to be mad at me. I don't blame you for hating me," Barry shook his head, his eyes following Cisco as the smaller man moved to lean up against the table beside Barry, shoulder to shoulder.

"I never hated you. Yes you fucked up and yes I was angry, but I could never hate you, Barry, even if I wanted to," Cisco sighed, shaking his head. "I had a taste of what it means to try to set things right and have it backfire. Because we saved that Dominator back in 1951 they sent their ships that abducted Oliver and Ray and the rest of them and learned about metas, learned about Flashpoint. That's how they learned about you, Barry, and what you did."

"Cisco, that wasn't your fault."

"That's my point," Cisco was quick to respond, looking up over his shoulder at Barry beside him. "We make mistakes, even you. Barry, I forgive you."

He watched as Barry released a shaking sigh, his facial features unclench and shoulders sink. It was as if Cisco watched the world's weight lift off the shoulders of Atlas. He knew it was only a matter of time before Barry took on another burden. However, in this moment, knowing that he had just given his friend permission to breathe again around him, it was the closest thing to peace Cisco had felt in a while. It gave him hope that even when things were broken, it didn't mean they couldn't be fixed.

"Thank you," Barry's voice was shaky and tight as the emotions gathered in his throat, but the closed-mouth half smile conveyed it was all in relief. Cisco nudged him with his shoulder.

"Barry, I have been and always will be your friend," Cisco smiled at him, confident he had once again chosen the perfect movie quote for the moment as Barry's tight lipped grin opened up to flash that contagious Barry Allen smile. Although it masked more pain then Cisco could fathom, Barry's smile was always the brightest part of him, even brighter than the yellow speed force electricity he conducted.

Their conversation turned to a lighter tone as they recounted their recent exploits with their usual level of humor and wonderment and Cisco couldn't help but take comfort in the fact that they were on their way to healing. He still missed Dante, still missed his brother, but as he joined Barry in laughter, he took consolation in the fact that he at least hadn't lost another.


End file.
